Not At the Table

Ring Ring.

Hello?

Hi Mom.

Hi, sonny boy.  What’s up?

I’m calling to see if we’re doing anything for Thanksgiving this year. I was thinking of flying to Switzerland with a friend.

What??? Of course we’re doing something for Thanksgiving this year!  We’re hosting Thanksgiving as we have every single year of your life.  Why in the world would you go to Switzerland?

My girlfriend asked me to go.

Girlfriend?  Since when do you have a girlfriend?

Since a few weeks ago. We met at a Trump victory party.

Silence.

Mom?

Yes, I’m here.  You will remember not to bring up politics at the Thanksgiving table, right?  Your sisters and brother will be very upset.

So you’re saying I have to come to Thanksgiving?

You don’t HAVE to.  You’re 20 years old and can do what you want. But it would be sad not to have our whole family at the table because you went to Switzerland with someone we’ve never even heard about.

So if I come, can I bring my girlfriend?

Silence.

Mom?

Yes, I’m just thinking. Umm, sure, I guess… will she understand that we are NOT discussing politics at the table?  Can she be, well, Switzerland?

Of course.  I mean it’s not like she’s immediately whipping out her tattoos at the dinner table.

Silence

Mom?

Tattoos?  Would I be offended by her tattoos?

Do you really want to know?

Perhaps it’s better that I not.

Agreed.  I’ll tell her to wear a turtleneck.

To cover her arms?

And her neck.  The neck tat was supposed to be Tucker Carlson but it got messed up so now it’s just a tunafish sandwich.  And Mom, please, can we have something other than turkey?  We all hate turkey.  And Malgorzata won’t eat turkey.

Malgo…?

My girlfriend. Malgorzata. She’s Polish-Swiss and she hates turkey.  Can we have kielbasa?

The answer is no.  We are having turkey.  That’s what you eat on Thanksgiving. Polish-Swiss…say that three times fast. Ha!

Mom, you’re so weird.  And, ugh I hate turkey.  We all hate turkey.  What about Korean beef?

We are not having Korean beef for Thanksgiving. 

So you’re sticking with turkey even though the only people who eat it are you and Dad?  Does that seem reasonable?  We need to shake things up.  Make Thanksgiving great again.

Stop.  We are having turkey.  So please, dial it back and tell your friend to do the same.  No politics at the table.  I just want peace.

That’s what my girlfriend says. All she wants is peace. And another neck tattoo.

Silence.

Mom?

Yes, I was just…oh wait, your brother is calling on the other line.  Hold on.

Hi sweetie.  I’m on with your little brother.

Yeah, that’s who I’m calling about.  Did you know he’s going to Switzerland for Thanksgiving?  With this girl he introduced me to who instantly showed me tattoos you wouldn’t believe…

Stop.  I don’t want to know.  He’s not going to Switzerland.  He’s coming to Thanksgiving.  With the girlfriend.  Who happens to be Polish-Swiss.  Say that three times, ha!

Mom, you’re so weird.  And I wanted to tell you that I’m bringing our emotional support dog.

Since when do you have an emotional support dog?

Since my roommate working on the Harris campaign checked himself into a facility after the election and left us his emotional support dog.  Poor guy.  He’s obviously devastated and he keeps vomiting.

Your roommate?

No, the dog! His owner just went AWOL.  Before he left he just sat on the couch repeating, “All seven swing states?”  So I have to bring his dog to Thanksgiving.

Honey, a vomiting dog is not something I can deal with at Thanksgiving.  And your brother is still on hold so let’s discuss this later…but maybe there’s a crate you can put him in.

Not sure they make crates for Great Danes but okay talk later.

Dial tone.

Sorry for keeping you on hold. Are you still there?

Yes, what’s up?

Your brother says hi.

Did he bring up the Korean beef?  Are you cool with that?

For the last time, we are having turkey for Thanksgiving.  Bring your friend. Avoid politics at the table.  Don’t aggravate the emotional support dog and let’s just be grateful that we are all together.  Okay?

Okay.  Love you.

Love you, too. Polish-Swiss, Polish-Swiss…it’s so impossibly fun to say.

Mom, PLEASE!.  Not at the table.

I know, I know. Not at the table.