In the early months of quarantining, I took a popular online happiness course to learn where joy comes from. I don’t think I’m overstating it when I say this course really made me a happier person…even, dare I say, a better person.  And a way better friend. Because of that course, I started keeping a gratitude journal where I noted my daily blessings every month. I took up meditation, joined a volunteer organization, and learned to let go of judgments.  I guess you could say that during Covid, I evolved.

So now, with the worst hopefully behind us, I ache for the days when I can wrap my even-more-loving arms around dear friends.  I dream about sharing a salad at lunch with Ruth, or playing tennis with Lisa, or, joy-upon-joy, meeting Susan for a cocktail.  I want to hug hard, talk close and reconnect with dear friends whom I now appreciate more than ever.  

Well, actually, I need to take back the part about wanting to share a salad with Ruth.  If I’m honest, Ruth has been super annoying during Covid.  Ruth relied exclusively on home rapid tests she got online, when the rest of us followed the rules and got PCR tested before getting together.  It seemed like Ruth has one set of rules for Ruth, and another for the rest of us.  She wouldn’t let you use the bathroom inside her house this summer because “I am so careful about Covid,”  but I know for a fact she never wiped down her Amazon packages.  And don’t get me started on how she hogged the conversation during Zoom book club.  Geezus, Ruth, did you read the book or write it?!!  It’s just all about Ruth, isn’t it?  I guess it’s up to me to say what no one else will:  Ruth: You are garbage.  

So that’s it.  The new me is over Ruth.  If I’m Marie Kondo-ing my life, Ruth does not spark joy.  And her husband is a dud, too. Honestly, I’m over both of them.  Post-Covid I am going to be ruthless about what and who make me happy and being ruthless means, well, being Ruth-less. 

Onward.  Now, what I truly look forward to is playing tennis with Lisa.  Oh boy.  Just the thought of being back on the court and playing and laughing with Lisa…I can’t wait.  “Wait” is a funny word to use when talking about Lisa because as we all know, Lisa is always late.  Makes you wait FOR-EV-ER.  Not two minutes.  Not five minutes.  Lisa can be 45 minutes late, breeze in, and never even acknowledge how late she is.  I mean what kind of person is that? I‘ll tell you what kind: a monster.  Lisa is a monster because she thinks her time is more valuable than mine and that is not okay and in my newly evolved state I don’t think that waiting for Lisa is going to fly anymore.  She was late to all our Covid distanced walks and truth be told, even when she finally got there, she was a bit of a sloth.  Lisa does not walk briskly.  Maybe if she could she’d be less late, but that’s for Lisa to figure out.  Walking Lisa’s pace meant never getting to 10,000 steps - not even close - when 10,000 steps was the only possible Covid era achievement.  Not getting to 10,000 steps meant having to record coming up short in that goddamn gratitude journal.  Selfish, sluggish Lisa.  Lisa just thinks the world revolves around Lisa.  Well, you know what?  My world revolves around friends who are real friends, who don’t take me for granted.  I could walk 7,000 steps in 45 minutes!  How much have I lost in this lifetime waiting for Lisa?  Well, no more.  And if I’m really being honest, Lisa sucks at tennis.  

Susan, my angel, my BFF: Don’t think for an instant that I would ever give up on our bond, my confidante, my go-to, my ride-or-die, my early morning phone call, my sister from another mister.  A friend through and through.  Remember all those phone calls when we cried and laughed about our Covid predicaments?  Oh boy, how I cherish you.  You are my everything!  And that’s why I am SO sure that you didn’t mean to just “like” the anniversary photo I posted on Facebook.  I mean that’s what most people did but if you notice, my BEST friends all commented about how good my marriage is or better yet, posted photos of us as couples through the years.  You know, kind of what you did for Ruth.  Ruth, who you have known for about five minutes while we have known each other for decades. I mean, you know that my love language is Facebook.  Or, at least I think you used to know. Maybe I am just off-base when it comes to what I really know about you, Susan.  Maybe it’s all about me giving, giving, giving and getting nothing in return.  Now that I think about it, it’s always me who calls you in the morning. Wow, I guess my new awakening includes waking up to the fact that you just could give two shits about me, Susan.  I guess you have nothing left to give after giving it all to RUTH.  So go, go be with Ruth and her dud husband.  I can’t do this, Susan.  I’m so upset right now.  You know how hard I work to be nonreactive and so I hope you realize what a terribly vicious disgusting human being you are to get to me to this state.  

It’s a good thing, Susan, that for you I have endless forgiveness… and by endless I mean really not that much.  So let me just say that I am here for you, Susan. I love you with all my heart.  Please don’t make me tell everyone you lied to get the vaccine.  Speak in the morning?

Namaste.