Those First Days Home From College — Did I Ever Tell You...?

Jun 4

Jun 4 Those First Days Home From College

Welcome back from college, my sweet son. So excited to have you home.

THURSDAY

Knock, knock, sunshine.

I’ve cleaned your room and put fresh towels in your bathroom. I bought all your favorite foods and made some really special reservations. Friday night we’re going to…

Oh. I didn’t realize. You have a party Friday? My gosh. Sorry. Maybe I’ll change the res to Satur…

Oh. I didn’t realize. Another party Saturday? Wow. My bad. Guess we’ll have to book an appointment to see you. Haha. Mom joke!

How is dinner Sunday? Great? Great. Just us. That’ll be so nice.

And who? Jamma? Who is Jam-ma? What kind of name is that?

I’m not being insulting, I just never…

Okay, okay sure. Sunday night family dinner. Just us…and Jamma.

What do you mean? How else does one say Jamma???

FRIDAY

Knock, knock.

Morning, love. Or should I say, good afternoon? Haha. Mom joke!

The time, now? It’s 2:30. In the afternoon.

Yes, I know you were out late. In fact, I know exactly how late. You might remember that our alarm system beeps whenever anyone opens the door and last night we were woken up by the beep at 4:33. Four. Thirty. Three. A. M.

How am I saying it?? I’m just saying that your father has to go to work in the morning, you know? And I never got back to sleep. Can we all agree that 2am is the cutoff for coming home?

Yes? Okay, my sweets.

Do you want any breakfast, or should I say lunch? Haha. Another mom joke!

Close the door? Okay, I will.

See you later, my joy?

Okay, okay, I AM closing it!

SATURDAY

Knock, knock, KNOCK!

5am??? Didn’t we agree on 2:30? I mean, what the fuck? Who gets in at…huh? What?

Oh. Hi. Sorry. I’m his mother.

Nice to meet you, Jamma.

SUNDAY

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

What kind of disgusting mess is all over my kitchen and how is it possible that you still haven’t unpacked or scheduled your road test or gotten back to that woman about the internship and how many times do I need to ask about your grades? By the way, those towels on the floor were just cleaned and now they are soaking wet and …

Oh don’t worry. I AM leaving.

See you at dinner tonight. Really looking forward.

WEDNESDAY

Hello, American Express Customer Service? Hi, yes. I’m calling about some fraudulent charges?

Well, somehow there are hundreds of dollars of Uber charges. Crazy rides from the Lower East Side to the Upper West Side, then to Tribeca and back to the Upper East Side. Someone must have gotten ahold of my account.

Why, yes. That is my son’s name. Oh. I see.

Other charges, other charges, yes. Well, there seem to be several Postmates charges from Nougatine, a ridiculously expensive restaurant that doesn't even deliver, and we have 3 charges in just the last 4 days. How is that…?

Oh, yes. There’s his name again. Right you are.

THURSDAY

Damn straight I didn’t knock.

GIVE ME BACK MY CREDIT CARD! NOW. GIVE IT BACK! And is that the wine Daddy just bought that you’re drinking???!!!

I AM NOT SCREAMING!!!!!!!

GIVE ME BACK THAT WINE! There is no drinking in your room. There is no eating in your room.

And speaking of this room, it is DISGUSTING. How do you live like this?

Well, do that when you go back to college. Which by the way is in exactly 91 days!

How do I know? Because I counted last night at 4:43. Right after the door alarm beeped.

Not a good time? Not a GOOD TIME FOR YOU? Well, maybe it’s a good time for…

What?

Oh, I didn’t….