Hello, mothers.  And happy Mother’s Day.

I’m hoping your day is as special as mine, and that you woke up to flowers and a store-bought card balanced just so on a beautifully prepared breakfast tray served to you in bed. So nice, right?  I’m a lucky girl, and because I have a big imagination, I can almost picture what that would have been like.  And I’m sure it could have happened, if not for being my sweetheart’s “lats day” at the gym and, as I well know, lats day is a three-hour gym commitment, at least, and commitments are meant to be honored.   Anyway, it’s not like he didn’t leave me a note. 

-Call water guy. Not sure his name.

-Please buy small curd cottage cheese.  NO LARGE CURD.

-Did you charge $1200 to something called Moda Operandi?”

-Didn’t have time to walk dog.  Lats day.

Notice the use of ALL CAPS. How blessed am I to find such a man, a man so passionate about curd.  I was reveling in the jubilation of my good fortune when the doorbell rang. Lo and behold, it was my mother-in-law!  An 11am arrival for a brunch we called for 12:30.  I mean, could this day get any better??   What is more special than one mother celebrating Mother’s Day? Two mothers!  In fact, we are mothers because of the same guy. Creepy and true!! We are just like two magnets that should attract and yet instead always repel.  But not today.  Not on Mother’s Day!  Besides, it’s not like she wasn’t completely delightful.

“Jackie, dear, do you have Scotch?”

“I do, Joan, but it’s 11 o’clock in the morning.  Do you want to wait a bit?”

“No.  No need to wait.  Do you have any napkins?

“Yes, Joan, they are right in front of you on the table.”

“Oh, I only ask because every time I come here you never have napkins.”

See?  We are getting on like hot cakes on the beautifully prepared Mother’s Day breakfast tray I did not get.  Time just flew by because my mother-in-law asked me the same questions over and over but I was happy to chat with her because she helped me discover that Scotch in the morning is a great way to pass the time on lats day/Mother’s Day.  My husband, when he did finally make it home clutching an arrangement of bodega-bought purple tulips, looked worriedly at the nearly empty bottle of Scotch.  

“Are the kids up?” my darling asked.

The kids!  I had almost forgotten.  After all, it was only the crack of 1pm so why would I expect them to be up?  But of course! Mother’s Day!  Silly me, they had probably been rehearsing that special Mother’s Day skit all night.  Who knows if the paint was even dry on the masterpieces coming my way!  I was humbled by my expected embarrassment of riches.  Creeping toward their rooms, I realized their preparations must have been super top-secret because I did not hear a peep.  I quietly cracked open the door of my older son’s room and peered in to find him still fast asleep.  Must have been at the gift making all night, that sweet boy.  I closed the door and tiptoed down the hall to my other son’s room.  He was awake and texting.  Surely some last minute at-home massage arrangements for me.

Softly, I said, “Good morning, my love bug.”

“GEEZUS, Mom, what the FUCK??!!!  You scared the shit out of me.  What the hell with creeping in here?  Get out of here!! GET OUT!!!!!!”

Wow, Meghan Markle, you cannot yet imagine the joy of parenting teen-age boys.  Obviously, I treaded on some big plan afoot because that boy’s anger was LARGE.  Like a curd. The anticipation was almost more than I could take.  I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming and returned to my husband and mother-in-law in the kitchen.

My husband was on the phone. While the Scotch made my comprehension difficult, I discerned something about an emergency meeting in another state and thank G-d he got lats day in because he would be leaving immediately to get to that meeting.  

And so, like a shot, he used his strong lats to hoist a bag, and was off.  

It wasn’t the Mother’s Day I expected -- weirdly the plans that my children made must have been too grand and fell through -- because there was no skit, artwork or massage. Silver lining perhaps because those events might have cut into the 5 ½ hours I got to spend with my mother-in-law, who kicked the rest of the Scotch while giving me so many great housekeeping and parenting tips…almost too many to count!  I would have had her stay longer but I started to imagine euthanizing her, so I sent her on her way, and put on my coat to walk my dog – did I mention it was pouring? On that dreary walk I thought about how lucky I am most days to have what I have, to love and be loved.  And while today wasn’t the Mother’s Day of my dreams, it was still a helluva lats day.

Happy Mother’s Day to all.