Hello.  Who are you?

I’m you.

You’re me?

Yes.  I’m the you from BEFORE.

Oh. You’re the me from BEFORE quarantine. Is that why your hair looks so incredible?

Yes. Thank you.  It’s just that it’s clean.  And brushed.  And all one color.  Unlike yours, geez, those roots…

Leave my hair alone.  And please don’t get so close! I ordered color and a brush from Amazon but they’re going to take months to be delivered because they aren’t deemed “essential” items.

You should send Amazon a photo. It would change their mind. And may I ask what that is around your neck?

It’s a vacuum hose.

Why?

It’s just easier this way.  I vacuum every 15 minutes.  And when I’m not vacuuming, I’m walking around planning where to vacuum next. 

That’s a little compulsive, wouldn’t you say?  And why do you keep touching your face?

Apparently, it’s a tic.  It’s triggered by the phrase, “Whatever you do, don’t touch your face.”  

Tell me, what are those things on your legs? 

These? These are jeans. 

Jeans, jeans.  Hmmm, I don’t remember jeans.  I wear sweats now, all the time.  In fact, I only wear this pair of sweats.  All. The. Time.  

Because you’re fat!  What happened to you and those hot sweaty Tracy Anderson classes you took every day?

Now I’m more Louie Anderson than Tracy Anderson.  And I’m not fat.  I’m just spreading from spending so much time in bed.  And sweats are comfortable.

Comfortable? Aren’t you the one who regularly wore heels that made your feet bleed? 

Yes.  Now I only wear slippers.   

You can’t go out in slippers! 

Not a problem. Plus I’m in bed most nights by 9.

9?!! So early?

Listen, I’m home schooling my kids. They’re up early and it’s a lot of work.

You’re home schooling?

Yes. Every school-day morning I yell from my bed, “Turn off the G-damn Xbox and start Algebra or I’m shutting off WiFi!!!!!!  So, it’s more of an advisory role.

But you don’t know any math.  You don’t even know Roman numerals.  And you don’t know any US geography. Your husband once called you from a trip to Ohio saying he was in the Kentucky airport and you asked if he had been hijacked!

I admit I was very surprised that Ohio is in Kentucky.

I don’t think that’s …anyway, how’s my favorite Goldendoodle?

Not good.

Why?

Well, she can barely move from the weight of the mattes and no one knows how to cut her hair or nails and she’s due for something the groomer calls anal expression.

I don’t need to know that.  Let’s talk about something that makes you happy: Trump being impeached!  The whole world must be still buzzing about it. 

Oh. That.

Come on! And the Hong Kong protests are resolved.  Looks like that part of the world is safe once more. Wouldn’t China be a great family trip?  

I’m going to take a hard pass.  However, I do have some good news.

Please, tell me.

You know how all these years people talked shit about me stockpiling toilet paper, Coffee-Mate and Clorox wipes and called me a doomsday-prepper?

Uh huh.

Well, seems like I’m the Captain now.

Good for…  Listen, I’ve been doing my best to ignore that you’re wearing a surgical mask.  How long are you wearing that for?

Just until my mustache is fully grown in. 

Okay. Well, got to run. I have therapy and then I’m meeting 10 friends for shared tapas. I was worried Jen might not make it with that dry cough of hers, but she’s coming!  Oh, and I have to return something at Barney’s.

Ummmm.

What?

I’ll tell you after therapy.  And really, your hair looks terrific.