Welcome parents and thank you for attending the University’s in-person parent orientation.  As Dean, I hope to address concerns you have about your child’s imminent entry or re-entry to school.  To be sure, Covid-19 has made University life exceptionally challenging, and the complexity of campus living during a global pandemic cannot be underestimated.  That being said, we believe our school has done everything possible to ensure your child is educated, housed and socialized in a safe, Covid-aware environment, borrowing from University experts and the CDC, to develop best practices.  With that, let’s take the first question. 

Yes, thank you, Dean. Could you tell me the space between the floor and the bed frame for under-the-bed storage boxes?

Okay.  Well, that measurement will vary between dorm rooms, so I’d refer you to the dorm guide pamphlet for that information.  Next question?

Hi.  I’m wondering if the under-the-bed storage boxes from Bed Bath & Beyond will be too tall and possibly too deep for most of the dorm beds?

Hmm.  As I said earlier, dorm bed frame measurements are specific to each dorm, so I’d refer you to the dorm guide pamphlet. Other questions?

Yes.  I have a question about renting a car…

Yes, yes.  I understand that renting a car is worrisome to parents arriving from out of state and questioning local sanitary practices…

Um, well, mostly I was wondering if rental car trunks are big enough for the under-the-bed storage boxes. I’m thinking I can stack two under-the-bed boxes but wonder if they’ll fit with all the other stuff. Like the headboard.  

Headboard? Do most girls have headboards?  I didn’t get my daughter a headboard.  Oh boy. She’s going to kill me.  The only one without a headboard…did everyone else get a headboard?

People, if I may.  I think we are getting off-topic. Perhaps we should discuss testing procedures that will be in place for students, or how social distancing will be enforced on campus?

I have a question.

Yes, please proceed.

Are plastic under-the-bed box storage boxes preferable to cardboard?  I was thinking cardboard might slide easier.

I, I…

Enough about the under-the-bed storage boxes! Let’s move on to an important matter we haven’t addressed yet.

Please.  Please do.

Will over-the-door hooks fit on dorm doors?  I was told no.

You’re kidding. I was told yes.  I just bought three over-the-door hooks.

Well, they might fit but then you can’t close the door.

So, no over-the-door hooks? Then what am I supposed to do?  He has a robe and a coat and a backpack. Where will he hang these things? How could there not be a space to hang up basic necessities?  This is insanity.  How do you send a child to college, a child who has always had hooks at home, and then suddenly, they’re off to a new environment, an unfamiliar place with total strangers and now, with NO HOOKS!

This is frightening.

This is a problem.  

How could there be no hooks?

You know, I am now rethinking this whole college thing.  Are we crazy?

It was my intention to speak about issues such as social distancing, online classes, mask wearing, isolation dorms for the ill, CDC health policy implementation …do we have any questions about any of those issues?  Anyone? Yes, you. Please go ahead.

I’m just curious if you think the under-the bed storage boxes with drawers are better than the ones with the covers.  To me, boxes with covers mean you have to pull the boxes all the way out to get what’s inside, but the ones with drawers aren’t always easy to pull, are they?  So, if they keep their shower shoes in an under-the-bed box with a cover, they’re having to pull out the whole box, uncover it, pull out their shower shoes and then re-cover the box to push it under the bed.  I just think that’s a lot to ask.

I told my son to keep his shower shoes in his shower caddy.

In his shower caddy?  Are you a homicidal maniac?  If you keep the shower shoes next to the items in the shower caddy you’ve basically wiped your shampoo, conditioner and soap with every shower floor germ, defeating the whole purpose of shower shoes, and ultimately transferring shower floor germs from your feet to your hands.

I don’t think germs from a shower floor transfer from your shoes to your bottles and then to your hands.

Are you deranged?  Everyone knows that’s exactly what happens.  The germs can move from the floor to the bottle and live on the bottle for WEEKS.  What kind of science denier are you?

Parents.  I must move on. I’d like to expound upon our testing protocols.  For example, every student’s temperature will be taken prior to entering a classroom.  Um, yes, you with your hand raised: do you have a question about temperature taking?

I do.  I would like to know if temperatures are going to be taken rectally. 

I’m sorry? 

Rectal readings are far more accurate.

I’ve actually heard that, too.

Yes, well, while that may be true, it is utterly impractical to take students’ temperatures rectally.  

Oh, so about thermometers you’re practical?  But when it comes to over-the-door hooks it’s just a total free-for-all??

 I’d like to ask about Command Strip hooks.  The ones you adhere to the wall. Do they really work?

 I’d like to revisit rectal temperature taking.

 That’s completely unhygienic.  It just can’t be done!

Ha. Says you whose child puts shower shoes in his caddy.

Don’t judge my child for where he puts his shoes.

What your child does with his shower shoes affects all of our children.  It’s all fun and games with the shower shoes in the caddy until the whole dorm gets chlamydia.

Chlamydia? What a hoax.

Parents!!  There is a global pandemic for which we have worked laboriously for weeks to mitigate its spread to your children while on campus.  Have you no interest in hearing about the practices we have put in place or the lengths to which we have gone to ensure their safety and continuation of their college educations??

ANYONE?

Now, I didn’t mean to shame you into silence but please, consider the stakes here.  Let’s resume and stay on-topic.  Yes. You.  And please, for the love of God, tell me this is a Covid-related question.

It is.

Then please proceed.

 What steps are being taken to persuade students to socially distance when off campus and given the high rate of probability they won’t, isn’t this just an exercise in futility? Are we dreaming to think our kids will keep themselves safe left to their own devices? And as a follow up: how long do you think Covid germs are likely to survive on those plastic under-the-bed storage boxes?

It appears we’ve run out of time. Refreshments for parents with antibodies are now available in the hallway.