Campus Compartmentalizing 2023
Welcome parents and thank you for attending the University’s parent orientation. As Dean, I hope to address concerns you have about your child’s transition to life as a college student. Our commitment is to ensure that your child is educated, housed and socialized in a safe environment and that this university provides the springboard for future life success. Such a large undertaking inspires many questions so with that, let’s hear from you. Yes, you there in the first row.
Thank you, Dean. Could you tell me the dimensions between the floor and the bed frame for under-the-bed storage boxes?
Okay. Well, that measurement will vary between dorm rooms, so I’d refer you to the online dorm guide for that information. Next question? Yes, you in the back row.
Hi. I’m wondering if the under-the-bed storage boxes from Target might be too high and possibly too deep to fit under most of the dorm beds?
Hmm. As I said earlier, dorm bed frame measurements are specific to each dorm, so I’d refer you to the dorm guide. Other questions? Perhaps about other topics?
Yes. I have a question about renting a car…
Yes, yes. I understand that renting a car is worrisome to parents arriving from out of state…
Um, well, mostly I was wondering if rental car trunks are big enough for the under-the-bed storage boxes? I’m thinking I can stack two under-the-bed boxes but wonder if they’ll fit with all the other stuff. Like my daughter’s headboard.
Headboard? Do most girls have headboards? I didn’t get my daughter a headboard. Oh boy. She’s going to kill me. The only one without a headboard…did everyone else get a headboard?
People. If I may, I think we are getting off-topic. Perhaps we should discuss accommodations in place for students?
I have a question.
Yes, please proceed.
Will over-the-door hooks fit on dorm doors? I was told no.
You’re kidding. I was told yes. I just bought three over-the-door hooks.
Well, they might fit but then you can’t close the door.
So, no over-the-door hooks? Now what am I supposed to do? He has a robe and a coat and a backpack. Where will he hang these things? How could there not be a space to hang up basic necessities? This is insanity. How do you send a child to college, a child who has always had hooks, and then suddenly, they’re off to a new environment, an unfamiliar place with total strangers and now, NO HOOKS????
This is frightening.
This is a problem.
How could there be no hooks?
You know, I am now rethinking this whole college thing. Are we crazy?
It was my intention to speak about issues such as class content, office hours, peer-to-peer counseling, campus life …do we have any questions about any of those issues? Anyone? Yes, you. Please go ahead.
I’m just curious if you think the under-the bed storage boxes with drawers are better than the ones with the covers. To me, boxes with covers mean you have to pull the boxes all the way out to get what’s inside, but the ones with drawers aren’t always easy to pull, so if they keep their shower shoes in a covered under-the-bed storage box, they have to pull out the whole box, uncover it, locate their shower shoes and then re-cover the box to push it under the bed. I just think that’s a lot to ask.
I told my son to keep his shower shoes in his shower caddy.
In his shower caddy? Are you a homicidal maniac? If you keep the shower shoes next to the items in the shower caddy you’ve basically exposed your shampoo, conditioner and soap to every shower floor germ, defeating the whole purpose of shower shoes, and ultimately transferring shower floor germs from feet to hands.
I don’t think germs from a shower floor can transfer from shoes to bottles to hands.
Are you deranged? Everyone knows that’s exactly what happens. The germs can move from the floor to the bottle and live there for WEEKS. What kind of science denier are you?
Parents. I must move on. I’d like to expound upon our still necessary Covid-prevention procedures. During times of Covid breakouts, for example, every student’s temperature will be taken prior to entering a classroom. Um, yes, you with your hand raised: do you have a question about temperature taking?
I do. I would like to know if temperatures are going to be taken rectally.
I’m sorry?
Rectal readings are far more accurate.
I’ve actually heard that, too.
Yes, well, while that may be true, it is utterly impractical to take students’ temperatures rectally.
Oh, so about thermometers you’re practical? But when it comes to over-the-door hooks it’s just a total free-for-all??
I’d like to ask about Command Strip hooks. The ones you adhere to the wall. Do they really work?
I’d like to revisit rectal temperature taking.
That’s completely unhygienic. It just can’t be done!
Ha. Says you whose child puts shower shoes in his caddy.
Don’t judge my child for where he puts his shoes.
What your child does with his shower shoes affects all of our children. It’s all fun and games with the shower shoes in the caddy until the whole dorm gets chlamydia.
Chlamydia? That’s not…
Parents!! Have you no interest in hearing about the practices we have put in place to ensure your child receives a top-notch college education?? ANYONE?
Now! Back to what I was saying…I didn’t mean to shame you into silence but please, consider the stakes here. Let’s resume and stay on-topic. Yes. You. And please, is it a question about your child’s well-being here on campus?
It is.
Then please proceed.
I’m curious what steps are taken to persuade students to utilize good judgment when it comes to drugs and alcohol. Living on their own for the first time, teenagers can make some really bad choices. Truth be told, grownups make bad choices, too… Exhibit A being that my husband purchased plastic under-the-bed storage boxes WITHOUT wheels and now I’m wondering how exactly my son gets the boxes out from under the bed. Especially when there’s carpeting.
Carpeting? Did you get carpeting? I didn’t think about carpeting!! Good lord! What have I done?? I was too focused on the hooks…
It appears we’ve run out of time. Thank you and best of luck.
