New Year's Greetings From The Schadenfreudes

Definition of schadenfreude: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others

Dear Sue,

Happy New Year! Incredibly sorry to hear you were all by yourself over the holidays now that that your divorce from Donny is finalized.  Being alone is a terrible thing. I know this because I still have PTSD from the time you said you’d take me out for my birthday and instead abandoned me so that you could be with Donny.  Still, I send you best wishes from my current locale -- St. Barths! -- where the Schadenfreudes are vacationing in glorious splendor with oodles of friends and, as you know, Donny.  Picking sides was hard for me, Sue.  You must know how much painful this is. I’d be a monster if I derived even an ounce of pleasure picturing you being all by yourself in the bitter New York winter while here we are galavanting aboard our friend’s yacht with your ex-husband. You wouldn’t believe the tan on that guy! Big kiss, sis.  Stay warm!

Dear Alex Rodriguez,

Happy New Year!  Enclosed is another bundle of Ben and Jen photos! We send them, Alex, because we know that you love true love.  And who embodies true love more than Ben and Jen? Has Jen ever looked better, hotter, or happier? NO! There she is on a yacht with Ben, at the Met Ball with Ben, a gorgeous glow stick of a human being dancing with Ben, and rocking every belly-baring outfit with Ben at her side. You know why, Alex?  Because she is Jennifer Fucking Lopez and Bennifer is what the world needs in 2022.  There never was a JAlex or a LoRo, was there? Hmmm, telling.  But don’t give up on love just yet.  Yes, you fucked up majorly with the World’s Most Beautiful Woman, but perhaps there’s still great things to come with that new gal you’ve been linked to: Madison LeCroy, a hard-faced hairstylist from Bravo’s “Southern Charm.”  And while we can both agree she is no Jen...yeah, that’s it.  She’s no Jen.  Sending more photos soon!

Dear Beverly & Bob,

Greetings of the New Year!  Hope you are enjoying the holiday season despite the shocking news that your darling Tommy didn’t get into Yale.  We share your disbelief.  I mean, not even deferred? Just out right rejected???  What a slap in the face! We can’t even imagine your disappointment.  Like literally, we can’t imagine it because, as you know, all the Schadenfreude kids were accepted to Yale: GO ELIS!  I resolve this year to smile more with humility at our good fortune, knowing that there are those, like your family, who are shattered beyond recovery.  We send you strength, healing and the latest Whiffenpoofs CD.

Dear Mike Richards,

Damn! I thought 2022 would be your year, Mike! After years of toiling in absolute anonymity as Jeopardy’s Executive Producer, you ascended to host whilst driving home from Alex’s funeral.  [One can only imagine the dark ambition of your vision board.] And though things went south, we hope you are comforted by your now eternal place in the cultural Zeitgeist as the answer to the question, “Who was Jeopardy host for the shortest amount of time because of his derogatory comments made about women, people with mental disabilities, little people, and the poor?” Answer?  Mike Richards!  Now, how many people get that kind of recognition? Answer: Well, a lot, but you definitely stand out!  Best of luck in your new gig at Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow’s Bingo Night!  

Dear Aunt Peg, 

Best wishes in 2022, however difficult that may seem.  Unsurprisingly, that Carnival Cruise you insisted going on with Uncle Billy proved to be quite a disaster, as you now have Delta, Omicron, and original flavor Covid, plus Legionnaire’s disease, scurvy, and inscrutably, poison ivy.  Not to mention, Uncle Billy is dead.  You might remember me asking “WHO THE FUCK GOES ON A CRUISE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC???!!!” Guess I was on to something as the media attention on the cruise’s widespread ills was epic.  And who emerged as the star of that media blitz?  Me!  My appearance on the “Today Show” discussing the cruise catastrophe went viral!  [Not your kind of viral.  The good kind.] The positive feedback has given me life!  Everyone said I looked absolutely radiant. Remarkable, given my bereavement and all. What a rush! I’ll send you the clips.  Until then, no scratching.  

Dear Jamie Spears,

What a year for your talented daughter Britney! She sings, she dances, she sues!  Just as you could almost taste the cash from her Vegas residency, oops, she dissolved your conservatorship, emerging as a justice warrior who generated the massive #freebritney movement and 63 documentaries that all really took a shit on you. I mean, what dad prohibits his daughter from removing her own IUD?  Watching too much Handmaid’s Tale, Jamie?  Speaking of which, seems now’s the time to cancel your Hulu subscription, what with your new financial status, and all.  Boy, you’d think that a $16,000 month salary would tide a guy over, but I guess there’s no accounting for the high cost of limiting your daughter’s personal and reproductive freedoms through threats and intimidation, forcing her to take psychotropic drugs when she rebelled, and monitoring her bedroom with video surveillance.  Thank goodness we say goodbye to all that, and goodbye to you, too, Jamie.  The happy ending isn’t just that Britney has her life back, but also that you are broke, forever estranged and universally despised.  And that’s the kind of ending we Schadenfreudes just love.