Pretty, Pretty, Pretty Hard Conversation
After backlash about the large number of invitees to his 60th birthday party on Martha’s Vineyard amid a surge in Covid cases, President Barack Obama had to scale down his list, uninviting previously invited guests like comedian Larry David, and cutting old friends in order to make room for luminaries like Jay-Z and Beyoncé. Imagining how those conversations went down made me wonder how I might handle the delicate task of disinviting… differences between an Obama party guest list and my own, notwithstanding.
Annie! Hiya gorgeous! It’s Jackie. Listen, hate to do this to you, but I’ve got to cut you from my party. Yes, yes, I know. Crazy times with this Delta variant. Although this is less about the variant and more about me cutting you because of how boring you are. I just can’t hear about your kids’ SAT tutors or their summers or what the fuck-else they’re doing any more. I mean, I only ask about your kids as a social nicety…not because I care, silly goose. It’s just a conversation warm-up until we can discuss Beverly Hills Housewives or whether I should get a brow lift. And anyway, Annie, I need the seat for Carrot Top’s manager, so you’re out. Good luck with Charlie’s SATs and with the other one…Ben? Lily? Can’t remember.
Jim! Oh boy, hate to say it but I can’t have you at my party after all. Yes, I know this is disappointing. Well, most airline tickets can be reissued as a credit. Yes, hotels are harder, Jim, but that’s not really something I can take on, is it? I just cannot have you at the party. Well, it’s because of the dancing, Jim. You’re a terrible dancer. And frankly, I’ve given your spot to Dance Fever’s Deney Terrio so I can’t have you do that excruciating hand flipping to “All the Single Ladies.” Pull it together, Jim. In time you’ll understand how difficult this was for me and how much I hate doing this to my only brother. Let’s FaceTime soon.
Hey Alec, my famous friend! Is Hilaria there? Hilaria? Mi querida. Is this a good tiempo? There’s a situatión…
Sandy, we have to talk. Turn off CNN for just a second. No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Yes, I know how difficult the pandemic has been for you. Oh. 83.9% of new cases are the Delta variant? Watching a lot of news since your boyfriend moved to Florida? Maybe you should have gone with him. “Delta Schmelta” as they say in Governor DeSantis’ house. And yes, I understand how lonely it’s been and that CNN is always there for you. Unfortunately, that’s why I can’t have you at my party. Covid probably won’t kill me but one more conversation with you about mask mandates might. Breakthrough cases and death toll statistics and limited ICU beds… geez, Sandy, you’ve become a total buzzkill and therefore I must disinvite you. Plus I need your seat for the guy from Castle. Talk soon?
Governor Cuomo? About my party. Some more hard news...
