A Phone Conversation With My Mother* Who Needs Hearing Aids But Insists It's Just That I'm Not Speaking Loud Enough

Geez, mom.  I’m watching the news.  Can you believe it’s been this long since the war began in Ukraine?

Not raining here.  Gorgeous!

Okay…. And by the way, Mom, do you want me to book you and dad a flight for your visit this summer? 

We both got the shingles vaccine ages ago.

Hey Mom, did you watch the SAG Awards last night?  Did you see Zendaya’s dress?

It’s part of the aging process.  Breasts sag.  Mine have held up surprisingly well but you need to buy yourself a better bra.  Go to the store that Charlene once owned.

Speaking of Charlene, I hate to tell you this but I heard she has skin cancer.

That’s hilarious.  On what channel?

Hilarious? What?? Mom, I just told you that Charlene has skin cancer.

You know I don’t like Charlene. She cheats at cards and has the foulest breath.

I know, but mom! The woman has SKIN CANCER!!

Who?

Charlene!  CHARLENE!

Oh, Charlene.  Did you know Charlene has skin cancer?

Yes, mom…. yes, I do know.

Her husband was a very good dancer. I never understood his attraction for her. She has a face like a bulldog.

Mom, that’s not nice to say.

No, I am not playing pickleball today.  Did you know you’re speaking in a very low voice?

*A NOTE FROM THE WRITER: This is a work of fiction and my real-life mother would like you to know that she most definitely does NOT need hearing aids and when she reacts inappropriately to your questions, like chuckling at the news of a house fire, it is because YOU have a very low speaking voice and it is impossible for anyone to hear you. And she would like it known that she would never laugh at anyone’s skin cancer. She is, however, completely comfortable standing by the bulldog comment.