Dear Abby,

Our friend - I’ll call him Bobby - refuses to take the Covid vaccine but insisted on coming to our house for a dinner party despite our strong hints that he skip it.  I even sent Bobby a note, specifically telling him not to come, but he said he couldn’t read it…something about having a worm in his brain that hampers all cognitive function.  So he just showed up, without a gift I might add, ate dinner, and then rudely pushed back his chair announcing his departure, saying he needed to attend to a rotting baby bear in his car trunk.  He left, but not before French-kissing my caterer, an act he ascribed to feeling rambunctious, and we haven’t heard from him since.  Until now. He just asked us to contribute to his Presidential campaign. As if!! Abby, must we support a man who would have us believe he has brain-eating worms, who defends unwanted sexual aggression, has a fondness for roadkill bear meat, and now has the delusion that he should be the next President of the United States?

Signed, HaveYouSeenMyBicycle

Dear HaveYouSeenMyBicycle,

Sounds like Bobby has a lot of delusions. Plus bear carcass maggots in his trunk.  That’s a bad combination. My suggestion, stay clear. And definitely do not vote for him.

Signed, Abby

Dear Abby,

I am “Bobby” and I must respond to my friend’s letter to you to clarify what happened.   I care about animals which is why I scooped up a dead baby bear from a highway, posed for photos with it, and then drove it to Manhattan where everyone knows that dead baby bears are kind of a thing. My original plan, Abby, was not to dump the bear, but to skin it and store its meat in my refrigerator, next to the special foil hats that I have my famous wife make for me now that I’ve ended her acting career, but I had to dash to that dinner party, limiting my skinning and disemboweling time. We’ve all been there, right? Plus, I may have forgotten to mention that I have a worm that’s been eating my brain for the last decade, so my executive functioning skills are crap. I took great care with the little guy — I called him Joe, after one of my 10 siblings who no longer speak to me — and dumped him in Central Park, staging it to look like an everyday, New York City bear-versus-bicycle accident - even going as far as leaving a smashed-up bicycle next to the bear to finesse the scenario. I was pretty proud of that detail, although not so proud that I fessed up when all of New York City went ape sh*t thinking that baby bears were carousing in Central Park.  I was just waiting for the hubbub to die down, restraint being something I am working on with my life coach, Roseanne Barr. Thank you for hearing me out Abby and I hope I have your vote when I run for President of Uruguay.

Signed, RFK

PS United States, not Uruguay. Ugh, that darned worm!

Dear RFK,

Big Cheryl Hines fan!  Is she okay?  We’re all concerned.

Signed, Abby